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The New Age Etiquette Guide


Let’s face it – we simply don’t interact with each other in the same manner which we used to. Emily Post’s book “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home”? How many of you actually know what I am referring to? Granted, it was written in 1922, but it provided the guidelines for which any man, woman, or child who considered themselves proper, socially acceptable, and well-mannered followed. If this book was updated to correlate with today’s socially accepted mannerisms, I think it would go a little something like this :

Introductions – Introducing yourself or your guest is not necessary or expected. You or your guest may simply introduce themselves if they feel it pertinent or necessary

Example of an acceptable introduction in any situation : “Whats up, I’m (Insert name, nickname, or gamer tag here).”

On the Street and in Public – Always, no matter what, attract as much attention to yourself whilst in public situations as possible. Remember, you are only worth the quantity of people paying attention to you at any given time. The best time to conduct an argument via cell phone with your significant other is in the office. Disciplinary action that your children require is best proceeded with in grocery store lines. And always remember to, and this part is important, use as much profanity as possible as it is the best way to convey the emotion you are feeling at the present time. Be as indiscreet as possible.

Words, Phrases, and Pronunciation – It is important in these times to use as little of the English language as possible, insert appropriate slang, make up your own words, and pronounce words with as little effort as possible.

Example : When sending an email, instead of typing out “I cannot wait to see you at the party tonight!” shorten it to “ICWTSYATPT!”. This way the recipient does not have to¬† waste valuable time reading an entire sentence, and instead can more wisely use said time to deconstruct and understand your acronym or initialism. Please use similar format in all emails, texts, blogs, and social networking.

The Well-Appointed House – In order for others to have an appreciation for you maintaining a home that is safe from being condemned, you must strictly adhere to the following steps :

  1. Make sure you keep everything, i.e. receipts, cans, old toys, cat feces, used toilet paper, empty wrappers, shower drain hair – EVERYTHING
  2. Don’t clean. Not even the slightest broom stroke.
  3. Let said mess build up until it forms mountains within your home
  4. Call A&E and request to be on the show “Hoarders” so that someone else can clean up said mess
  5. Maintain a semi-orderly mess whilst knowing that the rest of America is applauding your hard work

Etiquette in Business and Politics – For the most part business and politics are still the same game. He/She who plays the game (and knows the appropriate cheat codes) wins. He who can lie the best through the whitest smile wins majority. He/She who has more funding maintains better odds. There is an addendum, however :

  • He/She who tweets most often, most accurately or inaccurately, and most humorously wins the most followers.

Dress – Anything goes. This includes miniature club attire donned by underage civilians. Please note also that an occasional “vag flash” is also acceptable, and is guaranteed to gain you popularity.

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